We do not have a happy report to
give. Weve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church,
though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions
from the church members, and weve followed up each one with interviews
or calling at least three references.
The following is
our confidential report on the present candidates:
- Adam: Good man but problems
with his wife.
- Noah: Former pastorate
of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
- Abraham: Though the references
reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another
mans wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
- Joseph: A big thinker,
but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
- Moses: A modest and meek
man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his
stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
- David: The most promising
leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbors
- Solomon: Great preacher
but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
- Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses
- Elisha: Reported to have
lived with a single widow while at his former church.
- Hosea: A tender and loving
pastor but our people could never handle his wifes occupation.
- Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable,
alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a
long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
- Isaiah: On the fringe?
Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
- Jonah: Refused Gods
call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by
a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here.
We hung up.
- Amos: Too backward and
unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up
against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
- John: Says he is a Baptist,
but definitely doesnt dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for
months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
- Peter: Too blue collar.
Has a bad temper - even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul
in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
- Paul: Powerful CEO type
leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with
younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
- Timothy: Too young.
- Jesus: Has had popular
times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all
and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place
very long. And, of course, hes single.
- Judas: His references are
solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle
money. Were inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.