Hi there, my name is Lucifer, and I'd like to give you a few pointers on being a true southern red-neck. Since you've already made up you mind to ignore God's instructions and live your own life, you might as well take a few tips from the old pro. After all, what have you got to lose? You're going to Hell anyway.
Hunt, Fish, and Be A Sports Fanatic
That's right. Since you don't have the guts to be a real man and obey God, waste as much time as possible on excessive hunting, fishing, and sports. This will allow you to feel like a man, and it will also keep your mind occupied so you won't have to think about your eternal home where there is no fishing, no sports, and the only thing you hunt for is water.
Don't Go to Church
Don't attend church services because other red-necks might think you're a sissy. I know the Bible says not to forsake the assembling of yourselves together (Heb. 10:25), but you aren't a Christian anyhow! Don't go to church.
If you do have to attend church services, due to family or social pressures, be sure you don't attend the one on the back of this pamphlet. Be sure to attend either a dead country church or a big liberal city church. The last thing you want is some preacher waving a King James Bible and telling you how to live. If you have to join a church, make sure you pick one where the preaching is soft and the teaching is shallow.
Don't Pray or Read the Bible
Just ignore I Thessalonians 5:17, and you've never even read Joshua 1:8 or Psalm 119:11. Forget it, man! You're not a servant of God, so why pray to Him? You're not going to obey His Book, so why read it? You're going to be a red-neck, remember? Let the wife and kids have God and the Bible, while you take care of the more important things like food, shelter, and clothing for your family.
Learn Some Real Dirty Jokes
Nothing will make you look more like a red-neck than a real nasty joke about sex, God, Jesus Christ, or preachers. All true red-necks have an arsenal of filthy jokes. Sure, you will be held accountable for every idle word you speak (Mat. 12:36), but what do you care? You're going to Hell anyway.
Don't Forget to Use Profanity
A true red-neck should never speak over sixty seconds without using a curse word. Words like "damn" and "hell" should be a regular part of your speech. Also, make it a habit to take God's name in vain regularly. This will really make you feel tough since the Bible says that God will hold you accountable for your dirty mouth (Exod. 20:7).
Be A Ladies' Man
Hey, you only live once so make the most of it. Flirt with the gals! Look'em over! Wink at them! Put your arm around them. Don't worry about God's commands against lust, fornication, and adultery (Gal. 5:19-21; Mat. 5:28; Exod. 20:14). There won't be any sex and pretty women in Hell, so enjoy life now!
Start Smoking and Drinking
Remember the beer commercial where the man says, "Hey, it doesn't get any better than this?" Well, he's right. For you, it only gets worse! Be a real red-neck! Start drinking, and get your tank full now, for there won't be any booze where you're going. If anyone complains, tell them that even Jesus drank wine. They'll never know you're lying.
Find Someone to Criticize
There are going to be times when you feel guilty for not giving your heart to Jesus Christ and serving Him. These guilt feelings can be a real nuisance, so you need to rid yourself of these feelings by focusing on some rascal who is more low-down than yourself. Complain about politics, rich people, murderers, rapists, and thieves. This will make you feel like a respectable man.
Use the Religious Hypocrites
Hey, what good are hypocrites if you can't use them, right? Religious hypocrites are your best excuse for not getting right with God! Every time a Christian talks to you about receiving Jesus Christ as your Saviour, just fuss about the hypocrites. Every time someone invites you to church, fuss about the hypocrites. You're going to wind up in Hell with the hypocrites (Rev. 20:15; Mat. 23:14), but you aren't there yet; so use them as your greatest excuse for rejecting God's Son and His plan for your life.
See how easy it is? Even you can be a devout red-neck! You can be a total disgrace to your Creator and a sorry example for your wife and children. Just follow these simple rules, and I'll see you and your buddies in Hell sooner than you think! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ...The lord of your life,
P.S.! No matter what you do, DON'T read any further!
IF YOU WANT TO BE A CHRISTIAN...
Friend, any fool can be a red-neck for the Devil, but it takes a real man to be a real Christian. Here's what God's word says...
YOU ARE A SINNER
"For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23.
"As it is written, there is none righteous, no, not one." Romans 3:10.
YOU WILL DIE A SINNER
"Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned." Romans 5:12.
"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23.
YOU WILL BE JUDGED A SINNER
"For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil." Ecclesiastes 12:14.
"And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment." Hebrews 9:27.
WITHOUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU WILL BE CONDEMNED A SINNER
"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:8-9.
"But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." Romans 4:5.
"For they being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone that believeth." Romans 10:3-4.
YOUR ONLY HOPE IS THE LORD JESUS CHRIST
"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by me." John 14:6.
"Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." Acts 4:12.
The Lord Jesus Christ has come and PAID for your sins by shedding His own Blood on Calvary. By receiving Him as your Saviour, you can be WASHED from all your sins in His precious Blood (Rev. 1:5; Col. 1:14; Acts 20:28; I Pet. 1:18-19). Notice these important words from Romans 5:8-9: "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him."
Friend, Jesus Christ PAID your way to Heaven! By receiving Him as your Saviour, you will be receiving God's ONLY means of Salvation. Are you willing to forsake YOUR righteousness and receive Jesus Christ as your Saviour--your ONLY HOPE for Salvation?
Romans 10:13 says, "Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:9 says, "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." Why not pray right now and ask the Lord to come into your heart and cleanse you from all sin? He will save you just as He promised.
If you've received Christ as your Saviour, start attending a Bible-believing church. Submit to believer's baptism, and become a faithful church member. Read your Bible and pray daily. Keep Jesus Christ FIRST in your life, because He kept YOU first on Calvary's cross.
Copyright © 1994 James L. Melton
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